Part 3: Discovering personal boundaries

Realising and letting go of an unconscious pattern is a huge step and we should always acknowledge ourselves for what we’ve just done. It’s a big thing.

It does leave a gap in our thinking and way of being that needs to be filled to avoid us refilling it with more of the same old ways of thinking again.

This is how we create lasting changes to our ways of being.

Some new patterns are easy to create and can be done without a lot of effort or focus. I write about these often on the blog.

Other times, we have no comprehension of how to function without our unconscious pattern and need to look around.

What does this tangibly look like? How do other people do it? How do we maintain it?

Over-giving was a way of life and a huge part of who I was. I didn’t know anything else.

The people who seemed to be able to balance their life and time had always seemed so far away. The goal seemed unattainable so I never tried.

With a bit of mindfulness, I’d created this breakthrough a few times in my life but I’d never been able to maintain it.  

This time was different. I fully understood the impact it was having on myself, my goals and the people I loved and wasn’t giving up.

I was conscious not to fall into a common trap and simply become the polar opposite. This isn’t truly breaking free as it’s still being fuelled by the same limitation that drove the original way of being in most cases.

I didn’t want to become a taker. I wanted to learn how to automatically take a moment to check in with myself and how much I had to give to any one thing at the time.

Serendipitously two people popped up in my life who seemed to have amazing boundaries.

One seemed to have endless time and energy for everyone and everything he cared about, and the other was pragmatic at ensuring that he didn’t over-give himself while still fitting in what he was most passionate about.

They might as well have been aliens.

Luckily we spend a lot of time together so I’m slowly learning how they manage this on an ongoing basis.

They both make time for what is most important to them, and always consider what they want and need in terms of this.

They are inward, and balanced in some cases and are constantly checking in with what they want and need in that moment. Then they make it happen.

For example they may have said they’d go out but if they’re tired they’ll stay in. A-mazing.

If they are passionate about something they’ll make time for that no exceptions. Wow.

If someone is struggling, they’ll trust that this person will be okay, lend a shoulder or ear to the extent that they can without overburdening themselves and then move forward.

Wait, what?

This is the middle ground I wanted to find. The space between being selfish and giving to the point of a total and utter empty tank.

Who are we helping when we have an empty tank anyway? No one.

For me, there is still a fine line.

If someone is going through something that they truly cannot get through without me, I’ll be there.

On the other hand I’ll also make tough decisions that let me be there fully for whoever or whatever is most important in that moment. 

The difference is that now I don’t need to save every person that comes into my life whether they want me to or not.

The other difference is that now I have fuel in the tank for when something pops up and I need to be ready to go instantly. It’s opened up a lot of new experiences and made life a lot more spontaneous and fun.

Next time you are helping above and beyond what any logical person would do, ask yourself does this person truly need this much of my time and help?

We are all strong and resilient and blessed with the answers we need to get through. Always. We just need to learn to listen.

By doing the work for other people, we’re actually denying them the chance to learn, grow and move forward.

We’re hindering them and us. No one is winning in this situation.

If you’re an over-giver, or over-giving, ask yourself why. What are you getting out of saving people?

There’s always a payoff for doing anything. Even good deeds have payoffs.

When it’s to the extreme we are usually trying to counteract something big within ourselves.

Think back. Were you always like this?

If you stop saving people all of the time what are you afraid will happen?

There’s your clue.

From here you can begin unravelling the real reason why you are an over-giver, or any deep subconscious patter, and slowly take back the reins of your life.

Much love,

C

Subconscious payoffs

I’ve spoken before about beginning my journey to consciousness with kinesiology. The next step was a job in sales that involved a mandatory three day personal development course.

This seminar and its following weekly workshops taught me a great deal about how to practically work through moments in my past that held me back, and begin living without their constraints.

An uncomfortable thing that it taught me is that everything, good and bad, is in my life by my own choosing. Everything is in my life because there is some type of a payoff.

My kinesiologist had been gentle with me, slowly letting me see that I could choose to be something more than I was currently being, but this seminar smacked us around the head with the knowledge that it was all by our choosing. Ouch!

At first we refused to look, especially those who had been the victims of horrible injustices or violations in their past. But eventually we all let go of our resistance and took a look within.

For each of us we had to ask ‘what is my payoff?’, even to the deepest wounds that we held onto.

Before I continue, let me say that there are situations where your past may have been horrific and there was nothing you could do to control it. I’m so very sorry that you had to experience this.

We do however have the power to stop these situations and scars from ruining our lives even one moment longer after we decide to let them go. That’s how we can take back our power.

Something that I was struggling with at the time was constantly being sick. Small sick, big sick, it depended on what year of my life we are looking at. It was always present and I couldn’t seem to catch a break. Why would I possibly want to create this?

After some coaching I began to see that this was my way UNCONSCIOUSLY of demanding attention after feeling invisible and ignored for most of my life.

I was shocked, and angry, and confronted…the list goes on, but I eventually calmed down and saw that it seemed to make sense.

Our subconscious is something illusive to us early on. It forms patterns and ways of being that protect us from our past failures, pain and embarrassment.

It is also something that we have little to no control over, but which has a great deal of control over our lives when we’re not aware of it.

Why would I make myself sick just for attention? I don’t need or want attention I told myself. Consciously I didn’t want it my coach told me, but what about subconsciously? Would me from many years ago have wanted to be loved and nurtured more?

It began making a little bit more sense. Now that I knew the cause I realised it was irrelevant and I wanted it gone.

This was the start of my conscious thinking journey and delving into my subconscious to see what else was swimming around there that was no longer relevant.

It was like a child eating their first ice-cream – I wanted more. And so began my insatiable appetite for more knowledge and understanding of this area. Nearly eight years later many teachers have come and gone, and I’m still very much a student of life.

Where will your conscious thinking journey take you?

Much love,

C

Listening for the answers

I am only recently getting back in touch with my intuition. That little voice in my head that just knows. I believe when I was younger, like many kids, I was totally in touch with my intuition and was usually steered in the right direction. But as other influences came into my life I began to question myself.

There were so many times that I knew something but hushed this little voice to follow my peers and attempt to fit in. I didn’t really, I was a bit of an odd child like so many kids who are sensitive, but none the less I tried.

My life became a constant battle of being influenced by others. I was soft hearted and all too willing to trust that everyone else knew what was best for me, despite me knowing otherwise deep down. Shoosh I told that little voice. So one day that little voice stopped speaking to me.

Years went on and eventually I got sick of constantly being at the whim of others. I had had enough of having my mind constantly being changed, and changing my beliefs on a whim to satisfy every person around me. Enough was enough. So instead I chose to become incredibly stubborn and not listen to or be influenced by anyone.

The issue with this new found mindset was that my intuition was still hushed. So at this time I was really acting either from a state of fight or flight responding to my past experiences, or trying desperately not to be like everyone else. It depended on the situation.

Though no longer dominated by others, I knew I was still not being true to myself or acting in my best interest. When I was expending so much energy trying not to be like others, and not be influenced in any way by them I was still trapped and at the mercy of others. There was still no freedom.

As I began to learn to release the past and create my future from a blank slate, only then did I begin to gain some power over my own life.

And one day I heard that little voice again. At first I was unsure, but I soon saw that each time I chose not to listen to it I’d always end up off track. I quickly learned to trust it and respect it.

The problem was and still is, that trust and respect for something seemingly intangible can still be swayed by people around us, societal norms and even our own rationalisation.

Just moments ago I was tempted to be influenced by someone who I care about deeply, fall into fear and run to another to confirm what I already knew…just in case. They had my best interest at heart but their views were being influenced by panic as well as their own past and I could see this.

The first thing I did was to ensure I was not acting from my own past and being stubborn. To achieve this I first chose to be thankful, thankful for their care and them being in my life. Next, instead of sticking my head in the sand and ignoring the issue, or digging my heels into the sand and stubbornly ignoring them I looked at things from their point of view and also from a few other angles. By doing this I could see their side with a greater understanding and have compassion.

I then considered their opinion diplomatically, and made a choice that was best for me and in line with my beliefs. I chose to trust my intuition, that little voice that told me everything was exactly as it should be. And as it turned out, it was.

In my quest to overcome the limitations of my past and create the amazing life I desire I have gotten into the habit of running to others for help.

I feel like my journey right now is learning to trust that I’ve got the knowledge required within me in many situations. It is about getting back in touch with my own knowing. And yes sometimes that does mean knowing I need to consult another.

It about learning to respect my intuition, and trust it, and as this relationship grows again I’m excited to see where it leads me.

Much love,

C.