Mourning mindfully

A friend of mine took his life recently.

It would have been tough, as this was too large for friends or even him to sort out alone, but with the help of some professionals he had options.

A few days ago however, he made his choice.

Having been so closely involved I wasn’t sure how to react to the news. I knew it was a risk so unlike others I wasn’t caught completely off guard that he hadn’t been happy.

As someone still exploring how to live a powerful, conscious life…and also in utter shock…I called up my aunty to ask how to deal with this in an empowered way.

You are all familiar with how I dealt with, or for that matter hid from these situations in the past.

Emotions weren’t my forte but I now understand how important it is to feel my way through life. Especially in the harder times.

The conversation with my aunty reminded me that we must understand that feelings are just that, and allow them to pass. We need to actively assist this process in any way that we can.

Only then are we able to look around and care for those around us who might be suffering or in need.

It’s not about forgetting ourselves or suppression, no. It’s about being able to step outside of these emotions if need be to help others, while still feeling our way through.

For me I wrote that first night for 2 hours until I couldn’t feel my hand anymore. I let it all come out of my subconscious. Then I ran away to distract myself with dance. Then I came home to reality and cried.

There are emotions, many that I need to feel my way through, but by understanding that they are emotions and not all encompassing I will still able to be powerful in my life.

I will be able to be there for my friends who are suffering with this news if they need me. I will be able to remember a great man and to honour his memory.

I will also allow myself to heal as easily as possible.

It will take time. There will be good days and bad for I don’t know how long. But this loss will not consume my life.

I will still be able to bring love to the world and support those around me while handling my own crisis powerfully and completely. My emotions will also be much less all encompassing than they would have been previously as I feel them and let them pass.

This mindfulness is the key to living a powerful life. This is also the key to creating a better world.

Emotions are not the enemy.

They should not be suppressed nor allowed to take over with no end.

For a little while sure, feel your way through, but don’t let them take you away forever.

Mourn, be sad, be mad, be all the things. But be love in between.

Be kind to yourself, be kind to those around you, nurture and support others and honour the memory of your lost loved one.

I know you can. How? Because I’ve learned and from where I’ve come from I know anyone can.

You just need to choose. In every moment, we choose.

Much love,

C

A kinder challenge

As I posted about recently it’s been a pretty rocky road these last few months learning a lot very quickly.

Without my usual safety nets like a routine, regular income and so many other things it’s put my nerves on edge. I haven’t always handled it the best way.

With three months until a major life event I’ve decided to clean up my act and do a 12 week challenge. It’s a different kind though and has one rule – be kind to myself.

I’ve written in the past about my controlling and destructive ways. For too many years I was brutal on myself, controlling every aspect of my life so that I did what I thought was best no matter if my body was screaming for me to do something else.

This last year I’ve learned the absolute bliss of listening to my body to hear what it needs.

In my 12 week challenge I’ve got plenty of things that I would like to add in, but how and when they get done will depend on what I feel is best at that time.

If I’m tired I might give myself a facial, have a foot soak and/or read as part of a relaxing night in (a crucial aspect that’s been missing lately). If I’m really energetic I might bust out my strength training, or if my nerves are on edge I might go to a yoga class instead.

I’ll make time again for my true love of dance, and put aside money to make it happen so there’s no excuses.

This also means I’ll be more committed to my stretching each morning as it requires an amazing amount of flexibility.

I’ll put reminders in my phone to get a haircut occasionally so I feel fantastic when I look in the mirror, and I’ll also set a reminder to do a few quick exercises each morning so I can improve a lingering injury.

There will be time in my day to meditate and do a visualisation activity to create my life as even more amazing. I’ll also commit to moving every day for at least 30 minutes instead of working through with no break, which leaves me stressed, on edge and over-tired.

Basically I’m going to be selfish for a little while and I am completely okay with that.

I’ll still make time for my friends and usual commitments, but I’m going to be incredibly conscious of what my body needs in these 12 weeks and act on that. No control, no schedules, no dictatorship like rigour, just a peaceful exchange of kindness and respect.

This is very new territory for me so it’s even about being kind to myself when I forget or start to get a bit obsessive.

After 12 weeks I feel like I’ll be mentally and physically at the top of my game ready for the next very exciting chapter of my life.

I’ll feel amazing and that’ll flow into every aspect of my life. This includes being more present to the needs of those around me as I’m not caught up in my own mind.

For me this is about learning a new way of being, a more reflective and gentle way, but also building myself up so I can be who I choose to be for others.

We all know that when we feel amazing that it flows out of us.

We smile at others, joke around and are kind without a second thought because we are in that state of mind.

By being a little bit gentler on ourselves we are actually paving the way to be more selfless, which to me seems like a worthy thing to commit my time to.

Much love,

C

Pit crews

Racers have pit crews, celebrities have entourages and even workplace managers have teams. To work at our absolute best we need to be supported, not solo. We need to surround ourselves with the very best.

I’ve written before about being preconditioned to go through life as a solo act. I’m hungry for knowledge, motivated, creative and adaptive. Oh and I love a good challenge. Tell me I can’t do something and watch me fly.

As much as I love to research and learn new skills, there are people out there with knowledge far superior to my own. They’ve sometimes spent a lifetime mastering it and what an amazing gift to be able to tap into this to support myself in whatever way they can offer.

When we let go of our past behaviours we’re opened up to new ways of being, and new doors to areas we may have never expected. It’s okay to need support to keep growing if you want to be your best every day.

I plan on making a big difference in this world and that means that the speed I’m growing is surprising even myself. I feel like I wake up a completely different person at least twice a week after conquering challenges that pushed me well beyond my limits. I no longer do this on my own though.

I’ve had meltdowns and tears, days that I didn’t want to get out of bed, eaten my overwhelm forgetting my commitment to my body and had multiple mini chronic fatigue relapses that left me struggling to even have a shower.

It hasn’t been easy.

Now I could have battled through each of these things myself, and probably been just fine. But what I’ve learned is the absolute pleasure of being able to share the load with another.

Some days it’s been admitting my fears to a close friend and letting my wall down. Other times it’s been seeking the help of a professional to speed up my physical healing process or help with an area of my business that’s challenging me.

It’s an amazing feeling to be able to hand over your power, or powerlessness in some cases and say it’s all too much to do on your own. And that’s okay.

Let a friend hug you when you are down, watch a funny movie or Youtube clip when you are taking life too seriously, take short 5 minute breaks on even your busiest day to move your body and ask for support when something is overwhelming.

The more I accept that I can’t do life on my own, the more I value the contribution that others are making. They just show up in my life at exactly the right time with a set of skills and knowledge that far outweigh my own in many cases. Other times it’s just really nice to have someone else be accountable for something I’d normally need to keep track of.

There are a lot of skilled people in this world, let’s surround ourselves with the best.

To get started, think about what areas are most important to you. Then consider if they start falling out of focus when you get busy. These might be the best places to start to surround yourself with some support.

This then frees up your own time to do what you need to, at your best, and with some energy still left in your tank.

By having external support it means that we don’t only make our own lives easier, but it creates time and energy to do things that are bigger than us, and be there for others also.

We aren’t singular beings so let’s support each other. If we all did this ever day, that’s the kind of life I want to create. That’s the kind of world I’d love to see.

We all deserve a pit crew for this reason.

Much love,

C.

Your destress point

On our bodies there are various physical points that destress us – but what is yours in life?

By this I mean what activity can you do that melts everything away and makes you feel human again? And how often do you do it?

It’s easy to forget about relaxation in the hysteria of our lives. And the irony is that the more we need to destress, the less it’s on our minds as we try and squeeze every second out of the day to maximise our output. That’s my unconscious reaction anyway.

In my new role as an entrepreneur my task list seems to be growing faster than I ever imagined.

The difference with me is that I flat out refuse to lose my focus on creating balance for my mind, body and heart while I do this. And the more work activities that get added the more other fun activities I need to balance them out.

I’ve been failing a lot at balance lately.

At some ridiculously early hour of the morning as my mind kept whirring I decided that the only way to end this was to put exactly where I’m choosing to spend my time into a form that I can see every day. Then at the end of each day, week and month I can see what I’ve created.

It’s easy to reset each week and say that next week will be better, but when it’s a constant backwards and forwards, with more backwards in many areas, it can all add up to a giant out of balance.

My answer is what I’m calling my Balance Board.

My Balance Board is going to be a large piece of card on my wall with all the activities that I want to include in my week, and some that invariably will enter like a whirring mind.

This is helping me keep track of what my time and energy is going towards, and more easily help me see where needs attention.

There will be things like working, exercising, friends and fun, but it will also be broken down much more specifically based on what I know I want to track. Things like thinking about work, restlessness, heart activities/things that I love, mind activities/meditation, yang exercise/strength training or cardio and yin exercises/stretching or yoga. Is it obvious I’ve been studying Chinese medicine again?

These are the sneaky ones that are the key to me creating a balanced and happy life.

I’ve realised that I am the number one asset in my company and for that reason I need to keep myself at my peak. And this is more than an early night as they usually turn into me continuing to think about work or other stress triggers into the early hours of the morning anyway.

Without me my company will fail and the vision I have of creating change won’t happen, or at least not in the way I see is missing from society.

This pull to create change on a large scale makes me serious about pulling myself back into balance faster and faster. I’ve been chipping away at this for a while but a near return of my chronic fatigue and glimpse at having the choice to build my business taken away from me shook me into action.

This will not fail. I will not fail. When we are playing a big game sometimes it takes something physical to help us keep all of our balls in the air.

A simpler version of this is write out a naughts and crosses board with your top nine things that you want to include in your life. Put it somewhere that you see it before bed every night.

This activity helped me endlessly for a long time to see when things like exercise, fun or mind body connection were falling out of focus.

If you are out of balance and missing what really matters to you in your life why not give it a try? Or let me know what helps you keep balanced, I’d love to hear your suggestions.

Much love,

C

I is for integrity

Integrity: the art of doing what you say you’ll do, when you say you’ll do it. If you cannot, you communicate as soon as you become aware that you may not be able to follow through with your promise either at all or in the original timeframe.

I recently had my integrity questioned, or so I interpreted something to mean.

I know I act with integrity even when no one is watching, so everyone else must know that right? Wrong. And oh boy was I caught off guard when I realised this was not the case.

Of course my unconscious reactions and emotions kicked in which were to feel shock and anger, along with my fight or flight reaction telling me to remove myself and run far from the situation. ‘They didn’t deserve me anyway,’ said my emotions.

I’ll take a second to say that yes I do have automatic, negative responses sometimes. Mindfulness is not about never having negative reactions, or suppressing these emotions if they come up, but it is about acknowledging that they are present and choosing to act in spite of them steering you in a certain direction.

As I began to type an angry email reply, I looked down at my shaking hands and realised at that moment I was not in control of my emotions, nor was I being who I choose to be.

So I left the keyboard and did a few rounds of intense exercise to burn off the adrenalin that was pumping through my system. I’d been unwell so it wasn’t much, but it did the trick.

As my heart rate returned to normal after my workout so did my ability to choose conscious thinking and I could finally step back and assess the situation without any attachment.

The situation was a tricky one, and the first thing I realised was that I wasn’t actually feeling any of those original emotions. I was actually disappointed that my integrity had not been registered by someone who spends a great deal of time with me.

This was a helpful thing to realise, and I could have easily fallen into a trap here and left it at that, but I was still not being accountable. I was only looking at what others had added to the issue, and not how my actions had contributed to the outcome.

You see the main thing I’ve learned about integrity is that there is always something we can be accountable for in any situation. Even if it is small, we are rarely blameless. Please note that this obviously excludes certain situations like rape and similar horrific violations, and is also not about punishing yourself mercilessly or being a scapegoat.

So I dug deeper.

I finally realised that what I could be accountable for was not communicating more clearly what my actions had been, which would have left no room for anyone to question them. So this situation was partly caused by me and I wasn’t blameless – ouch went my ego.

In that moment my righteousness, anger and disappointment all melted away and were replaced by understanding from the other person’s point of view.

The situation we had all been involved in was a highly stressful one which meant that emotions for everyone were being stretched to their limits, and many extenuating circumstances had built tempers to almost breaking point.

I had been a bit righteous and naïve to not assess the situation better and ensure there was not an issue, understanding that stress leads to snap judgements and irrational thoughts.

With this in mind I then did what would have been unimaginable half an hour earlier – I made a plan to be accountable, apologise for my part in the situation, and take action to ensure this did not happen again.

This situation was in no way caused solely by me, but we can’t force others to be accountable if they aren’t there yet. By choosing to take the high road in a highly stressful and emotion fuelled situation I was able to bring peace to myself, as well as the main people involved, and that was a great win.

Now instead of a tidal wave, this has been a learning curve for all of us. I can sleep well knowing that I was the master of my emotions and my life recently.

Will you choose integrity?

Much love,

C

The importance of breathing…out

If you are feeling disempowered or uninspired this simple breathing technique is perfect to reignite your inner fire.

In my recent interest in studying TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine), and particularly the theory of yin and yang I came across some studies about the importance of breathing that looked at it in a different way to what I’d read before.

We all know that breathing is important. It keeps us alive. We also have heard a million times before that when we are stressed we need to breathe, or deep breathe. But did you know that there’s a lot more to it than a long breath in and out?

When we are stressed our bodies retain oxygen, preparing us for any need to run that may occur. This means that there is limited lung capacity left to be filled with clean, fresh air and we breathe shallow.

Breathing shallow can lead to us feeling more stressed, anxious, out of breath and limit our ability to think clearly.

It also means that simple tasks can cause us to become out of breath, leaving us wondering whether they are really worth it. This then leads to a state of stagnation which can spiral into depression, exhaustion or overwhelm.

So what can we do?

Yes breathing is a great tip – but it seems that breathing out is the key to picking ourselves up out of this funk and getting going again.

When we breathe out deeply, we empty our lungs more and more with each breath. This leaves more room for clean, fresh air, the stuff we need to survive.

By breathing out we are literally breathing life back into ourselves by inviting more clean air in. More clean air gets our energy and blood flowing more quickly, carrying more oxygenated blood to our cells and organs.

The more oxygen and blood pumping through us the more alive and alert we feel physically. It also leaves us feeling powerful, inspired and positive again. Who would have thought to breathe life back into ourselves we’d need to breathe out?

So how do we do this? A simple technique that I read about and am now completely smitten with is this.

Either lie down flat or sit leaning against a wall with good, relaxed posture. Breathe in normally and then exhale for as long as you can without straining.

Then close your mouth and let yourself inhale normally. This will happen automatically so you don’t need to do anything, or breathe in deeper than required.

When you have breathed in as much as you automatically do, exhale again as long as you can without straining yourself, really focusing on emptying your lungs.

Again, close your mouth and allow your body to automatically take in a quick, deep breath. Once this automatic inhalation has occurred repeat this cycle.

I worked in lots of 21 breaths, and after 2 cycles felt on top of the world.

I had been in a state of complete overwork. I was physically exhausted, emotionally spent, overwhelmed and unmotivated. I did not want to see anyone, do anything or quite frankly move from my bed. I was in survival mode, retreating to restore my energy again.

After just two cycles of this breathing technique I’m now ready to go. I’m up and getting ready to enjoy this glorious day outside.

What a difference breathing out can make.

This is surely something I’ll add into my regular regime as maintenance, especially when I feel that I’ve overexerted myself. I hope I’ve inspired you to give it a try as well.

Much love,

C.

Compassion versus submission

Wherever the response is coming from, it’s hard to keep a calm mind when someone is coming at you with either rage, blame, indignation or one of the many other emotions attached to finger pointing.

We immediately jump into our auto response. Some of us get defensive, some yell, some lie, some blame others and some become overly apologetic and submissive whether we are truly to blame or not. I am the later, and this, like all of our unconscious reactions, comes from decisions I made when I was very young.

My response to blame isn’t anything I remember choosing to take on, but looking back I can see a clear pattern of blaming and punishing myself regardless of what extent I should.

I would take the blame, never standing up for myself, and apologise well beyond what was necessary. With some instances I’ve never truly let myself live down what happened, even for some seemingly small things.

No more though.

I now take a step back and ask myself what are they truly responding to? Is it me and this situation, or something else?

Recently I had a situation where I was accused of something that is completely against what I stand for. My actions had in no way meant to illicit what they accused me of, and it was so far from my beliefs that I hadn’t even considered it could be taken that way.

They were responding to their past which I’d inadvertently triggered.

So how have I learned to deal with these situations without slipping into my subconscious reaction of submission?

First an apology was necessary, but not taking the blame for what they’d accused me of (unless my actions should have indeed been apologised for), but for the reaction they were having.

“I’m really sorry to hear that this has brought up these feelings for you” is a great way of allowing them to feel both heard and understood.

It’s also about taking responsibility. I’d caused a negative reaction within them – I needed to be accountable, but not drown myself in blame and guilt unnecessarily.

After that it’s about also taking emotion out of the explanation. This can be tricky when starting out as it can be easy to come across as self-righteous, insensitive, argumentative or maybe even still submissive.

By doing these things I wasn’t  giving up my own power, asking their forgiveness or not taking responsibility. I was simply stating facts of what I truly meant. By this I mean sharing the situation in a way that they can see it without their past or my past colouring it. 

I allowed myself to be heard – an important step so that I didn’t have an experience of being the victim and ignored myself.

It was also important to let them know that I’d taken on board what they’d said and thank them for taking the time to share their feelings with me.

It’s customer service 101 but at a much deeper level. It’s human interaction 101 that allows both parties to move forward feeling heard, powerful and free from taking the experience into their future.

This tool takes some practice. You might even have experience with some of these steps if you’ve worked in high level customer service or other jobs that involve people management.

The important part is to add compassion to their experience and a balanced power (not arrogant or one sided) to your own.

It can be tricky keeping a level head when it’s a face to face discussion so your own past doesn’t come into play. It’s worth it though.

By practicing this in your life you’ll have the power to soothe people, allow yourself to be heard in the situation also, and let go with ease.

Much love,

C.

Our darkest days

Many of my earlier posts were centred around my past, something I rarely talk about. Even those closest to me know very little.

The intention of these posts wasn’t to showcase the pain or struggle I’ve been through, but were a message of faith and hope for those who were also experiencing their darkest days.

A book I’ve been reading lately that has deeply resonated with me on this topic is Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss.

For any of you who choose to read this, or are already familiar with the book, you’ll notice there are a few posts that were inspired by her thoughts.

These thoughts hit home deeply for me, and I would like to share her message with you all – an audience who may never pick up her book.

The final chapter gave me a great level of peace about my past. She speaks of the seventh chakra experience of our darkest days.

These are days where we feel completely alone, forgotten about by life, society and Christ if you are so inclined to believe in Him. For me, I do, though my words here are secular and from a purely spiritual perspective normally.

I truly agree with her words that while religion can form the basis of someone’s faith, it does not give us the entire picture.

She speaks about combining the ordination of religions with the spiritual teachings of Buddhism to give us all a holistic understanding of what is going on in our lives, and who we can be as a force in the world.

For me, I believe wholeheartedly in God, but do not resonate with the teachings and practices of Catholicism. I pray every day, and feel like now I have a much more clear connection with Christ than I ever received through attending a church service.

For me, I connect with Him through meditation and prayer, though I respect that for others they may still need the physical aspects that traditional religion offers. To each their own.

The importance is to understand that no one religion can provide anything. No one man can provide anything. It’s a holistic journey, and a great level of understanding, faith and aloneness is required to truly understand this.

Carolyn Myss speaks of the experience of our darkest days, when we go through a spiritual crisis. We feel alone, isolated, scared and confused. We reach the deepest of depressions as a test.

For those who endure this journey and hold onto their faith even during their darkest days, they are rewarded with a connection to their purpose like few others receive.

This is not to say that these people are superior in any way, but they have been through the darkest experiences and proven their faith and commitment. From here they find spiritual teachers to guide them through, and eventually come out the other side of this experience changed forever.

They no longer recognise their experience of life in the same way.

She refers to these people as modern mystics.

For those of you enduring your darkest days, hold onto your faith and know that you are being guided and held, though you cannot feel it just yet. You are never alone, and always protected. Trust this, hold onto it and all will be well.

Much love,

C.

Subconscious payoffs

I’ve spoken before about beginning my journey to consciousness with kinesiology. The next step was a job in sales that involved a mandatory three day personal development course.

This seminar and its following weekly workshops taught me a great deal about how to practically work through moments in my past that held me back, and begin living without their constraints.

An uncomfortable thing that it taught me is that everything, good and bad, is in my life by my own choosing. Everything is in my life because there is some type of a payoff.

My kinesiologist had been gentle with me, slowly letting me see that I could choose to be something more than I was currently being, but this seminar smacked us around the head with the knowledge that it was all by our choosing. Ouch!

At first we refused to look, especially those who had been the victims of horrible injustices or violations in their past. But eventually we all let go of our resistance and took a look within.

For each of us we had to ask ‘what is my payoff?’, even to the deepest wounds that we held onto.

Before I continue, let me say that there are situations where your past may have been horrific and there was nothing you could do to control it. I’m so very sorry that you had to experience this.

We do however have the power to stop these situations and scars from ruining our lives even one moment longer after we decide to let them go. That’s how we can take back our power.

Something that I was struggling with at the time was constantly being sick. Small sick, big sick, it depended on what year of my life we are looking at. It was always present and I couldn’t seem to catch a break. Why would I possibly want to create this?

After some coaching I began to see that this was my way UNCONSCIOUSLY of demanding attention after feeling invisible and ignored for most of my life.

I was shocked, and angry, and confronted…the list goes on, but I eventually calmed down and saw that it seemed to make sense.

Our subconscious is something illusive to us early on. It forms patterns and ways of being that protect us from our past failures, pain and embarrassment.

It is also something that we have little to no control over, but which has a great deal of control over our lives when we’re not aware of it.

Why would I make myself sick just for attention? I don’t need or want attention I told myself. Consciously I didn’t want it my coach told me, but what about subconsciously? Would me from many years ago have wanted to be loved and nurtured more?

It began making a little bit more sense. Now that I knew the cause I realised it was irrelevant and I wanted it gone.

This was the start of my conscious thinking journey and delving into my subconscious to see what else was swimming around there that was no longer relevant.

It was like a child eating their first ice-cream – I wanted more. And so began my insatiable appetite for more knowledge and understanding of this area. Nearly eight years later many teachers have come and gone, and I’m still very much a student of life.

Where will your conscious thinking journey take you?

Much love,

C

The X Factor

There’s a certain glow about people who are living out their passion. Something emanates out of them, and they have something about them that’s immediately recognisable to everyone around.

Even if it’s just realising that there’s something different or special about them, they have a presence that everyone can tell they are kicking goals.

At lunch recently I was surrounded by two girls, a close friend and another girl who I’d never met before. As we navigated the sometimes awkward conversation that follows when you meet new people and try to find common ground, we started talking about her big five things she wanted to achieve in life.

After reading a book she’d been inspired to assess what she wants out of life, write a list and start ticking things off. 

From this book she determined not only a roadmap of what she wants to achieve in her life, but also her purpose. Her purpose for living as she called it. She was buzzing.

The deeper we got into discussion, her body language changed and she began emanating that glow. It was spectacular to watch and as my friend and I also shared about our purpose the table was suddenly filled with three strong, sure, remarkable women who were out to create change in a big way.

The first time I put together that this amazing vibe is from someone living out their purpose was at a conference I attended for work. It was Run The World, an entrepreneur conference that celebrates some of the less recognised but truly amazing female entrepreneurs who are making waves in their industries.

Each of them buzzed. They were strong, sure of themselves and had an energy that lit up the stage as they spoke about their businesses.

From Pia Muehelenbeck of Slinkii Athletic to Gillian Franklin of Heat Group and Eli Censor of Nutrition Bar and KX Cycle, it was clear that they were no ordinary women. Or were they?

I believe that living out our purpose is something that every person has the ability to do.

Regardless of your gender, age, upbringing or socioeconomic status, we can each determine our soul’s purpose and live it out.

What this looks like might be different depending on some of those aforementioned factors, but I believe that we are each born with a purpose. I also believe that once we 100% choose to go forward with it that we’ll be given what we need to make it happen.

Our purpose is often closely linked to our passions. If you live to tell jokes, your purpose could be to spread joy, if it’s cooking then your purpose may be to nurture others or bring people together.

Each day I set my intention and I leave no room for questioning that it will be dedicated to what my purpose is.

I’m so grateful to now know my purpose and be about to launch a company that encapsulates all of my belief systems.

This company will allow me to create the type of workplace I’ve craved my whole life, not just for me, but for my future staff. It will also help me spread the message on a large scale that everything we think, do, and in this case purchase, has an impact on the world we are creating. This is my purpose.

It fuels me, it frightens me and it makes me realise that I was born for a reason. What an honour to know what that is and be doing something about it.

Start asking yourself what your purpose is and the answer will come sooner than you think if you listen. The next move is up to you.

Much love,

C