How to say no and be okay.

I hate cancelling plans that I don’t feel up to going to. Sometimes it physically hurts me to do so.

Logically I know that I can’t push my body beyond where it can go without big ramifications, but still I struggle.

If there was any way humanly possible that I could have prevented the situation, well that little voice rubs my nose in it that I should have done that.

Life is a learning curve and we’re always going to be on an up and down cycle.

No matter where we’re at in life, how evolved we think we are, how organised, how together we have it, we’re never going to be perfect. We’re just human.

I’m human. Why is this such a hard thing to grasp?

We’re all deliciously messed up, muddling our way through life making mistakes every which way that we turn. I understand this intellectually, like most of you might too, so why do we need permission from others to do what’s best for us?

I know the steps to cancel with integrity and accountability.

Step 1: communicate as soon as you have an inkling that something may come up to either delay you, change things or there’s even the slightest possibility that you may need to cancel.

Step 2: be sincere and communicate what you can when. This gives the other person/people a chance to do what works for them as a result of the possibility of changes on your part. This is an absolute pet peeve if people miss these two steps, so I do my very best to always stick to them.

Step 3: if you have to cancel, apologise sincerely and do your best to minimise the flow on effects if there are any (such as paying back for a ticket, finding another person to replace yourself etc).

This isn’t a technique from a book, but it’s how I go through life and a pattern I know that I tend to follow.

If these three steps are followed, we’ve done our very best to minimise the inconvenience to them and that’s all that anyone can ask from us – that we do our very best.

The most important step, however is what comes after that. It’s the step for us. Forgive ourselves and let go.

This doesn’t mean being narcissistic and shutting down to the influence we have on other people if we’ve not held up our end of an agreement. It also doesn’t mean suppressing any feelings that we might be feeling.

Allowing ourselves to feel each of the feelings that have come up, depending on the situation is important. It helps us heal.

It’s important once this is done though to consciously step outside of the situation and find things to be grateful for. For me, it went something like this.

I’m so grateful to have such caring and understanding friends who understand and let me rest when I need to.

How amazing that I’ve now got some free time when this was supposed to be a busy day/night.

I might not be great at this just yet, but each time it’s going to get easier.

By changing our mentality it helps to stop us dwelling on what has just happened. That’s in the past, it’s done and now it’s time to look forward. So begin creating something new and wonderful to focus on.

After all, isn’t that what we want in life? More new and wonderful things to fill our minds, hearts and selves?

Much love,

C

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