Working again with my beautiful kinesiologist, we dug deep into the issue of my eating.
It was confronting, and terrifying with a lot of layers and levels to get through. We eventually got to the root cause of my need to stop eating.
It was as though this pattern had completely disappeared. It didn’t even occur to me to skip a meal and I finally had found some peace.
What I didn’t expect was that there was more to get through.
There was the flip side which was over eating to cope with the huge amount of emotions which were now coming to the surface. I’d never learned to cope with them authentically as I’d either stopped eating to control them, or over eaten to suppress them.
I very quickly put on quite a few dress sizes, jumping from barely a 6 up to a good size 10 then even maybe a size 12.
It took a lot of mindfulness, but I refused to limit what I craved in any way to prove to myself that the pattern was truly broken.
Eventually I saw however that this cycle as it continued was also not healthy. I was eating non-stop and having panic attacks when I would stop. This too was an extreme version of what I wanted to be.
With some more help, patience and persistence I eventually realised that loving our bodies isn’t about limiting our food, nor is it about eating anything and everything. It’s about peace and respect.
If we’re hungry, we should let ourselves eat.
If we physically, not mentally, crave a food then our body probably needs something in that food.
Listen carefully and the answers are there, though sometimes not on the surface. Figure out what it is really crying out for.
Sugar cravings may be a sign of low insulin and that you need a piece of fruit, or more protein in your diet longer term to help ease these energy spikes. Maybe you even need magnesium and rest to naturally recharge so that your body is less reliant on instant food energy.
If you “feel” like eating a whole tub of ice cream well sometimes that’s okay too. Just get to the bottom of why you wanted it once you are done so it doesn’t become a habit.
There are probably some emotions you’ve got to unbury, or you are severely in need of more energy and that’s the fastest way your body knows how to get it – via sugar.
Our bodies are constantly communicating with us, and if we listen they very clearly tell us what they need to remain healthy, strong and keep us feeling great.
By listening, there’s no need to limit food or follow the strict guidelines of a meal plan.
Our food requirements change as our lifestyle changes, and our bodies know this and share it with us.
But there are still those scales that we force ourselves to get on.
I had been doing incredibly well recently and eating what I felt I needed each day. I felt strong.
I could see my body slowly slimming down and a good amount of healthy muscle building up again.
Then I jumped on my scales.
That number brought back every controlling voice I’d had during those 11 years, and made me want to curl up and hide from the world.
I’d gone from feeling healthy, strong and good about a body that was slowly returning back to a state of optimum health, to cancelling plans with a friend that night because I didn’t want to leave the house.
I decided that I was unworthy of a fun night out with him, our friendship and to be seen in public because of a number on a scale.
Nothing has the right to make me feel that way. I had given this piece of technology and plastic too much power.
I gave it that power and I could take it away. So I threw out my scales forever.
That is the moment that I finally let go of eating disorders on all levels. It’s the moment I decided I was ALWAYS worthy of love from myself and others, and that I am worthy of all of the amazing things that this life has to offer.
Learning to listen to what my body truly wants and needs is the only diet I’m interested in now.
Whether it’s a number on a scale or number on your jeans, this does not dictate who we are, or what we deserve.
We are so much more than that.
We are a soul, we are a heart, we are a mind and we deserve to be loved, happy and fulfilled ALWAYS.
There will be times when we need a bit of extra weight for one reason or another, but if we keep listening to what our bodies really need we’ll find a happy equilibrium minus the control, panic and mental abuse cycles.
We’ll find our happiest, healthiest version of ourselves every day. That’s the measure that matters.