Finding Your Jam

Not the sweet delicious kind, or sometimes the tangy kind, but the musical one. Your jam is the song that, even in your lowest periods, makes you feel like it’s all going to be okay. Whether that is by making you feel hopeful or powerful, it’s yours and it should be on repeat in your car and on your phone!

For me, my jam for my last major break up was DJ Havana Brown’s Warrior. It came out around the same time and the moment I heard the strong lyrics and that sexy, powerful beat I felt like I could take on the world. Break up, schmeak up, I had a new chapter in my life to fill with whatever I wanted and I was excited.

The break up for us was an odd one. We still hopelessly loved each other and worked in so many ways, but at a deeper level we just weren’t what the other needed to be truly happy.

On one hand we satisfied each other’s base level needs of a relationship filled with trust, intellect, respect, adventure and travel. We also gave each other a place to belong which we both so deeply needed.

As time went on, it became apparent that he needed a party girl who could keep up with him and who would also indulge in all the dumplings, burgers and cronuts he managed to regularly consume.

For me, I needed someone who would grow with me, challenge themselves and create an unimaginably awesome life while being healthy in a balanced way.

We each were those things sometimes, but who we were at our core was unfortunately very different and incompatible long term. It’s easy to see when I put it like that isn’t it?

We both ignored what we knew for a long time. I have a suspicion the he felt unable to call it off as we’d moved to another city together and he felt responsible, which meant the dirty work was left to me. And I don’t like to give up…ever! But one night I simply couldn’t do it anymore. I was mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted so we mutually decided that we’d both be happier in the long term separately.

Normally break ups are filled with hate, blame and resentment but instead, ours was filled with love and yearning still. He sat there holding me for hours as I cried, and I’ll never forget the look in his eyes when he eventually left my house forever.

I so wanted him to be happy, and knew I deserved everything my heart desired also but that didn’t make it any easier without the crutch of negative emotions to get us through the initial stages of the break up.

I felt lost and confused yet I knew I was on the right path so it was a truly odd time. I missed him but I kept my mentals in check, and remembered things exactly as they were, not with rose coloured glasses.

I also made sure I filled myself back up with the love I was yearning for. I treated myself to my favourite meals, flowers, sleep ins and spoiled myself in all the ways that made me feel loved – just like the right guy would have.

There were a few party weekends dancing and flirting with cute boys to remind myself that I wouldn’t die alone (an unwelcome and unfounded automatic thought) but I stayed true to myself and within a month or so had healed and was ready to begin my new life and love again.

My jam was a huge part of this. Every morning I’d play it first thing, before any positive or negative thoughts could pop into my head. And every time I felt like it was all too hard, I’d crank it up and dance and sing my heart out.

Tonight I rocked out to all of my favourites in the kitchen, shaking off the day’s hardships. As I danced away I knew it was time to pull out Warrior again and take back my power.

Sometimes it takes a physical thing like a song to snap us quickly back into conscious thinking mode and out of a potential funk. Whatever it is, if you are in a spot, try and find your jam.

Much love,

C.

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